Where are they now? (90s edition)

I'm still trying to live in the 90s. That's why every Saturday morning, I put on my favorite Marky Mark album, open up a Crystal Pepsi, and wait in excitement as I put in a tape of game 6 of the Bulls and Jazz (I wanna be like Mike).

While living in my 90s fantasy, I tend to wonder, whatever happened to these great people from not too long ago? Well, after a little research (and guessing), I have come up with the answers, in a segment new to the basket called, "Where are they now?"

Kel Mitchell

Kel Mitchell, entertainer better known as Kel from Kenan and Kel, was the co-star of 1997's Good Burger with partner-in-crime, Kenan Thompson. Although Kel was funnier, a better entertainer, dreamier, better at basketball, could juggle fire, had better pick-up lines, and could play banjo, Kenan (lame-wad) somehow became more successful.

So where's Kel? After Kenan and Kel ended its run on TV, Kel fell into a deep orange soda binge that nearly took over his life (who loves orange soda?). His addiction tore apart his family, ruined his career, and landed him a stay at the Betty Ford Center to try to kick the habit.

Clean and sober with a renewed sense of purpose, Kel set off to make a name for himself. He tried broadway, but the musical version of Good Burger didn't yield the same success as the movie. After his broadway failure, Kel tried his hand at the restaurant business. Soon after opening his own restaurant, Good Burger, he realized that he never actually knew what was in the secret sauce, and ultimately, the restaurant failed.

Kel realized it was impossible to become famous again without the help of his friend Kenan, who at the time was probably filming Fat Albert, or doing something else incredibly lame. That's when Kel got into the immigrant smuggling business, and has actually been quite successful. I am proud to report that Kel is successfully importing 150 Canadians into the country daily (and 4,000 pounds of Canadian bacon).

Dave Coulier

You may remember Dave Coulier better as Uncle Joey on the television show Full House. He was always wacky, funny, single, and uncomfortably awkward to watch in episodes when he got mad. He also had a weird thing with children (better stop there, or dare i say, cut it out?)

So where's Dave now? During the filming of Full House, Dave realized he had a real talent with puppets (if that's really a talent). He took his show on the road, and played with his beaver every night (sorry, it was too easy). People hated it, but he didn't understand why. I mean, he really got into the head of the beaver (both figuratively and literally). He was adding new depth to puppetry. He was going to change the world of puppets and set a new gold standard for puppeteers everywhere.

So what happened? While studying beavers for this role, he joined a community of beavers in Washington, so he could observe their habits. But to his surprise, he was so enthralled by the beaver lifestyle that he decided from that moment on, he was going to live with the beavers.

Dave Coulier has yet to return to life in human society, appearing only once: to watch the Roast of Bob Saget. God Speed, Dave Coulier.

Will Smith

Will Smith was the man of the 90s. He was the star of Fresh Prince, Independence Day, and Men in Black, all major successes. Unfortunately for him, success has not followed in the new millennium.

Will Smith tried his hand at broadway, playing the role of Dexter Reed (formerly played by Kenan Thompson) in Good Burger: The Musical. He released an album that same year, entitled, "Jaged Little Will." Both were huge failures.

Will then tried out for the NBA, and was given a roster spot on the Memphis Grizzlies. But then he tried to rap about it on his next album, "Grizzly Willy", was released from the team, and moved to Ohio.

For someone with so much promise, success is measured on a different scale. Will Smith became very successful in his field of work, and if you stop off at Bob Grayburn's Hyundai Nissan just off U.S. 24 in Rockburn, you'll find Will Smith's picture on a plaque labeled, "Employee of the Month, July 2004." That's what I call Big Willy Style.

Al Gore

Vice President under the Clinton Administration, Al Gore ran for President in 2000, and won by a narrow margin in Florida and a Supreme Court decision declaring him the winner in Bush v. Gore.

While in office, Gore invented the Smart Car, Twitter, trees, the notebook computer, Steve Jobs, and basketball. He established peace in the Middle East, and created world peace with the World Peace Treaty, signed by every single person in the world, all in his first week.

Gore did not finish his first term unfortunately. He resigned his position, because he needed to rid the world of rain to replace it with gumdrops. The dude's good. 

After stepping down, his Vice President Joseph Lieberman became President, and in his first act of duty, he switched parties and appointed George W. Bush as Vice President. Lieberman was then tragically killed in a canoeing accident, thus leaving George W. Bush as the President of the United States.

Al Gore is currently climbing Mt. Everest, all while curing AIDS, ending poverty, and cloning himself to be used in generations to come. Gore became a true American success story and hero.

Olmec

You might remember Olmec as the temple master in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Well, during the show's taping, Olmec had begun to have a romantic relationship with host, Kirk Fogg. Embarrassed by the potential backlash, Fogg and Olmec kept their relationship hidden, and made love only when the cameras were off (how does that even work?).

After the show's cancellation, Fogg left Olmec, and went on to be a successful movie director, directing such movies as "Double-Knot", "The Wedding Cake", "I Know You From Somewhere", and "Gum Under the Table." Olmec was heartbroken.

Olmec began eating small children and temple guards to numb the pain from the break-up. Because of the extreme eating, Olmec gained 800 pounds (57 stones), and had to go in for gastric bypass surgery (how does that even work?).

I am proud to announce that Olmec is now healthy and with a new man, Phil Moore, former host of Nick Arcade. Olmec must have really loved the 90s, too.

All accounts of events are entirely false and used for entertainment purposes, so don't sue. Seriously, don't sue. What's this? A subpoena? Come on, man, I said don't sue. Fuck. Now I've got to get a lawyer.