Code of Umbrella Etiquette

As I drudge through most days, sometimes the only thing that gets me through it all is to think. Although that might sound academic, my thoughts typically tend to get exhausted on a myriad of different topics, skewing more toward the random and philosophical side. One question continues to pop back up in my head from time to time and it's time to address it.

What's the etiquette for carrying an umbrella in a busy area?

To better demonstrate the question, let me pose a scenario. You are walking west on a sidewalk holding onto your umbrella, and doing your best not to bumb anyone near you with the pool of water surely sitting at the top. Now all of a sudden, you see another umbrella in the distance coming toward you. Let's assume this person is approximately the same dimensions (height, weight, etc.) as you. The question now becomes, "Is it my responsibility to raise or lower the height of my umbrella?"

No one truly knows the answer because there has never been an established "code of umbrella etiquette." And why hasn't there? I feel it is something that is long overdue, and I feel personally responsible for coming up with a prototype. Feel free to edit my thoughts on this one.

Rule #1: Offer to lower yours early, before the other person does. This way you can avoid getting bumped by an incoming umbrella and getting wet, as you hold yours up in the air. It's shows the other person you care to not bump into them, and it protects you in the case of an incident.

Rule #2: Raise yours slightly if an approaching umbrella lowers. This shows you get the message, and says you are willing to comply.

*Rules 1 and 2 apply only if the approaching umbrella is approximately the same height as yours, and a bump of the two is inevitable.

Rule #3: Don't intentionally bump someone, or even worse, don't ignore the upcoming sitaution and allow a bump to occur. This is pretty much common sense, but if it's not included, many people will break this rule.

Rule #4: Avoid spinning your umbrella when it's still wet. Sure, umbrella spinning is one of the great pastimes of American life, but when a wet umbrella is spun, it causes a spinning spiral of hydro death to all those nearby.

Rule #5: If your umbrella folds inside out in the wind, don't act like it didn't happen. Laugh. Everyone around you saw it anyway. These things happen, but so many times I see people try to play it off like nothing happened. It's funny, so laugh.

Rule #6: Don't create a wait at the door of a building because we have to wait for you to fold your umbrella back together. Either move to the side of do it inside. Lightning will not strike you dead if you open an umbrella inside.

Rule #7: If you don't have an umbrella, have fun in the rain. The rain can be very therapeutic and if you're too worried about getting wet, you shouldn't have worn that suede jacket outside anyway.

With these rules in place, awkward and confusing situations regarding umbrella usage could be eliminated and people would be much happier for it. Once implemented and acted upon, rainy days could soon be the fun days of the week.

The 5 Best Cars to Own in College

Besides the parties, friends, and mass amount of co-ed sexual frustration rampant among campus, there is really only one important thing about college: the car you cruise around in. Don't get me wrong, driving is not a necessity, but having a car bumps you up into the next bracket of coolness and sexual attractivity. And the best thing about owning a car in college is that you can get away with owning a car that only poor people or the elderly would own outside of school. To help out those out there in college, and especially those that have a few hundred to spend on a car, I've compiled a list of the top 5 cars to own in college.

5. Oldmobile Cutlass

This car is as cool as you

 remember it when you were 

8 and your grandpa dropped you off at school in between smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day and sipping on whiskey. The car screams, "I'm down to party! (in between seeing my eye doctor and buying fiber). This car is perfect to the college student because of image. Nobody wants to fuck with the guy who rolls up in this - because he probably doesn't have any money. To make the image complete, make sure to wear plaid. Lots of plaid.

4. Ford Pickup Truck

What better way to get attention on campus and let everyone know you're there than to rev up your engine and floor it as you burn $40 dollars worth of gas? You don't care though, cuz this bad boy makes everyone else outside breathe in whatever toxic fumes you spit out as you drive away from that cute girl you're too nervous to talk to as fast as you can? Bonus points: Put nuts on the back trailer hitch - it's hilarious.

3. Toyota Prius

This car is for the environmentally conscious college student who cares deeply about their carbon footprint on the globe and the impact they have on preserving the planet. And has money. If you're driving this, you are not a college student, and chances are you are either: (a) an employee of the university using that as your work car to get the college's "green image" up in the eyes of the media or (b) a douche. Watch out for excess smug with this one.

2. Volkswagen Beetle

By driving this car, you're telling the world, you're a person that is simple, yet into the trendy things in life. This car is small and therefore one of the easiest to park, but by driving this you are required to never park it correctly. This car represents peace, and by driving it you tell everyone you stand for peace as well. Or that you work for Red Bull. Or Geek Squad.

  1. Dodge Stratus

Now, I know what you're thinking? A Dodge Stratus? What the fuck? Well, if you're asking that, then you've obviously never taken a road trip in one of these slick ass mother fuckers. This car has a stylish body and roomy back seat, not to mention the fact that you look like a normal college student driving this thing. This car says that you probably inherited this car from your uncle for 100 bucks, but that you're not going to drive it forever. Plus it teaches you how to take care of a car, since you'll probably actually take care of it. And you can always quote Will Ferrell when you say, "I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!"

If your car wasn't mentioned on the list, it doesn't mean that it's not worthy of being a "college driven car," it just means that you are not in college. You'll probably need to check your class status. And remember, all problems can be solved with a Stratus.