Uh Oh...It's "That Guy"

OK, let's face it. Everywhere you go, "that guy" will be there. You know, that guy that walks into the party, library, office, etc. and your first thought is, "Shit. That guy's here?"

"That Guy" can take on many different forms. He's like a ninja, but like a ninja that nobody wants around. So he's not really like a ninja at all. Everyone likes ninjas. Except "That Guy." He likes zombies. What a douche.

The world needs to be aware of "That Guy," all the forms he can take, and what to do when cornered by "That Guy." He's everywhere, and seems to know where you are, too. He's like Santa Claus, but without all the presents and unnatural love of children and cookies. Santa's kind of creepy now that I think about it. Anyway, back to "That Guy."

"That Guy" Number 1: In Pictures

This form of "That Guy," the guy in the background of your photos, happens all the time. It's like finding a coupon in your jacket pocket, and then realizing it expired a week ago. While devastating to those taking the photographs, "That Guy" finds the photos hilarious, and treats it as a badge or pride. It's not easy slipping in the shocker or some kind of inappropriate gesture behind a group of girls that have spent all night getting pretty, and are ready to take photos. So I guess "That Guy" is kind of like a ninja.

So when "That Guy" ruins your pictures, it's best to laugh about the situation ("Crafty devil got me") and move on. Don't get too caught up with trying to catch him, because he has already ruined your next roll of photos. And you haven't even taken them yet. (How does he do it?)

"That Guy" Number 2: Inappropriate Laughter

So you're sitting around your living room, right? And this show comes on that deals with some serious shit, and you're getting really into it, you know. It's like all of a sudden, your TV is spewing out crack and you can't stop. So you're into this show, and all of a sudden, there he goes. "That Guy" has just laughed at something, and ruined the emotion of the show. Or worse still, he has just made a joke about (insert disease, social issue, cause, political topic, etc.)

So you hate "That Guy" now, because he just ruined that special moment you were sharing with your couch and a bag of Fritos. What do you do now? You've got limited options. It's like standing on a burning bridge. You can jump (strangle the guy), try to run back to the other side (strangle the guy), or you can fall and hope for the best (cry). None of these options are really viable, so it's best to ignore him. "That Guy" hates to be ignored.

"That Guy" Number 3: Movie Guy

OK, this form of "That Guy" has two parts, and they differ in scales of douchey-ness. The first is "That Guy" that watches a lot of movies, so therefore feels entitled to give his opinions on every movie you want to watch, and tell you how crappy they all are. He's seen over 1,000 movies, so he's an expert, you know. God, he's lonely.

The second form of "That Guy" is the one that ruins movies by revealing the big plot twist (you know, the major fucking turning point) before you've made it that far. "Isn't it crazy when that dude kills the main guy?"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! WHAT IS "THAT GUY" THINKING?

This could be the worst form of "That Guy" to date, because unfortunately, there is no cure. You'll just have to hope he doesn't do it for every movie you see. (Is Rocky gonna win?)

"That Guy" Number 4: "The Smell"

Now, as much as you want to deny it, you know that you have experienced this form of "That Guy." You are in some kind of situation where it's just you and him, and he decides that it is an appropriate time to let one loose - you know, let out some gas. But you can't hear it. "That Guy" has just let out a stink bomb that hasn't seen the light of day since WWII, when the British used their foul breath to fight the Germans.

Now rather than fessing up to the new unwelcomed aroma, "That Guy" decides to pretend like nothing happened. And you know he can smell it, because you're about to pass out. What's even worse is now you're put into an awkward situation. You can tell the guy that you don't appreciate his stench, but what if he can't help it? You can ignore it, and pretend like it's not there (It seems to be working for him, right?), or you can leave the room as soon as fucking possible. The latter is your best option. Run for the hills, and never speak of this again.

"That Guy" Number 5: The Noisy Guy

This guy is loud when he should be quiet. He's loud when it's perfectly fine to talk. He's even louder than everyone at the football game. At the library, when you're trying to study, he's loud. At the movie theater, when you're watching a movie, he's loud. Even when this dude's sleeping in class, he's loud. (Why can't he breathe softer?) 

What do you do here? Try talking to this guy directly - as loud as you can. Whatever volume his voice is checking in at, you need to be louder. Bring an airhorn. Bring a friend that has an airhorn. Bring a trombone playing tap dancer that has an airhorn. If that fails, yell rape.

"That Guy" Number 6: Cornered at a Party

This one is the worst. You're at a party, trying to have a good time when "That Guy" comes up, and wants to tell you his life story. Great, I can't wait to hear about your landscaping company, your triple major in biology, chemistry, and accounting, and your future book deals. In most situations, you can walk away, but let's assume you're stuck. "That Guy" has trapped you into a corner, and he won't stop going on and on about himself:

TG: "So, after I'm done with school, I'm looking to get into the business world for a few years, and then travel, and maybe even write a book about my travels."

You: "Uh huh."

TG:  "I love traveling. Last summer I went to Spain. Have you ever been to Spain? You should go. It's AMAAAAAZING.

You:  "Where's Katie?"

TG: "I was there for the running of the bulls. It was a blast. Have you ever seen it?"

You:  "No. I need to find Katie. Katie? KATIE?!?"

TG:  "One guy fell and almost got trampled to death. It was an eye-opening experience."

You:  "Yeah, whatever. Jim! Greg! Hey guys, what are you doing over there? (Fuck, they can't hear me.)

TG:  "So anyway, back to my book idea. I'm going to write a book and get it on Oprah's book club, because that's how you make the money."

You:  "I want to die."

As you can tell, this guy can put a damper on any sort of entertainment you might have for the evening - until you can tell your friends about it later. Try to pawn this guy off on someone else and move on. Maybe spread a rumor at the party that he has herpes. Nobody wants that shit around.

Experiencing situations involving any form of "That Guy" is a necessary evil in life. Who knows, "That Guy" could someday be your boss, friend, or even spouse. (Why do you think 50% of marriages end in divorce? Answer: "That Guy.")

IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS BEEN AFFECTED BY "THAT GUY" OR HAS ANY MORE INFORMATION REGARDING ANY FORM OF "THAT GUY", PLEASE COMMENT TO HELP PROTECT ALL THOSE OUT THERE!