Where are they now? (90s edition)

I'm still trying to live in the 90s. That's why every Saturday morning, I put on my favorite Marky Mark album, open up a Crystal Pepsi, and wait in excitement as I put in a tape of game 6 of the Bulls and Jazz (I wanna be like Mike).

While living in my 90s fantasy, I tend to wonder, whatever happened to these great people from not too long ago? Well, after a little research (and guessing), I have come up with the answers, in a segment new to the basket called, "Where are they now?"

Kel Mitchell

Kel Mitchell, entertainer better known as Kel from Kenan and Kel, was the co-star of 1997's Good Burger with partner-in-crime, Kenan Thompson. Although Kel was funnier, a better entertainer, dreamier, better at basketball, could juggle fire, had better pick-up lines, and could play banjo, Kenan (lame-wad) somehow became more successful.

So where's Kel? After Kenan and Kel ended its run on TV, Kel fell into a deep orange soda binge that nearly took over his life (who loves orange soda?). His addiction tore apart his family, ruined his career, and landed him a stay at the Betty Ford Center to try to kick the habit.

Clean and sober with a renewed sense of purpose, Kel set off to make a name for himself. He tried broadway, but the musical version of Good Burger didn't yield the same success as the movie. After his broadway failure, Kel tried his hand at the restaurant business. Soon after opening his own restaurant, Good Burger, he realized that he never actually knew what was in the secret sauce, and ultimately, the restaurant failed.

Kel realized it was impossible to become famous again without the help of his friend Kenan, who at the time was probably filming Fat Albert, or doing something else incredibly lame. That's when Kel got into the immigrant smuggling business, and has actually been quite successful. I am proud to report that Kel is successfully importing 150 Canadians into the country daily (and 4,000 pounds of Canadian bacon).

Dave Coulier

You may remember Dave Coulier better as Uncle Joey on the television show Full House. He was always wacky, funny, single, and uncomfortably awkward to watch in episodes when he got mad. He also had a weird thing with children (better stop there, or dare i say, cut it out?)

So where's Dave now? During the filming of Full House, Dave realized he had a real talent with puppets (if that's really a talent). He took his show on the road, and played with his beaver every night (sorry, it was too easy). People hated it, but he didn't understand why. I mean, he really got into the head of the beaver (both figuratively and literally). He was adding new depth to puppetry. He was going to change the world of puppets and set a new gold standard for puppeteers everywhere.

So what happened? While studying beavers for this role, he joined a community of beavers in Washington, so he could observe their habits. But to his surprise, he was so enthralled by the beaver lifestyle that he decided from that moment on, he was going to live with the beavers.

Dave Coulier has yet to return to life in human society, appearing only once: to watch the Roast of Bob Saget. God Speed, Dave Coulier.

Will Smith

Will Smith was the man of the 90s. He was the star of Fresh Prince, Independence Day, and Men in Black, all major successes. Unfortunately for him, success has not followed in the new millennium.

Will Smith tried his hand at broadway, playing the role of Dexter Reed (formerly played by Kenan Thompson) in Good Burger: The Musical. He released an album that same year, entitled, "Jaged Little Will." Both were huge failures.

Will then tried out for the NBA, and was given a roster spot on the Memphis Grizzlies. But then he tried to rap about it on his next album, "Grizzly Willy", was released from the team, and moved to Ohio.

For someone with so much promise, success is measured on a different scale. Will Smith became very successful in his field of work, and if you stop off at Bob Grayburn's Hyundai Nissan just off U.S. 24 in Rockburn, you'll find Will Smith's picture on a plaque labeled, "Employee of the Month, July 2004." That's what I call Big Willy Style.

Al Gore

Vice President under the Clinton Administration, Al Gore ran for President in 2000, and won by a narrow margin in Florida and a Supreme Court decision declaring him the winner in Bush v. Gore.

While in office, Gore invented the Smart Car, Twitter, trees, the notebook computer, Steve Jobs, and basketball. He established peace in the Middle East, and created world peace with the World Peace Treaty, signed by every single person in the world, all in his first week.

Gore did not finish his first term unfortunately. He resigned his position, because he needed to rid the world of rain to replace it with gumdrops. The dude's good. 

After stepping down, his Vice President Joseph Lieberman became President, and in his first act of duty, he switched parties and appointed George W. Bush as Vice President. Lieberman was then tragically killed in a canoeing accident, thus leaving George W. Bush as the President of the United States.

Al Gore is currently climbing Mt. Everest, all while curing AIDS, ending poverty, and cloning himself to be used in generations to come. Gore became a true American success story and hero.

Olmec

You might remember Olmec as the temple master in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Well, during the show's taping, Olmec had begun to have a romantic relationship with host, Kirk Fogg. Embarrassed by the potential backlash, Fogg and Olmec kept their relationship hidden, and made love only when the cameras were off (how does that even work?).

After the show's cancellation, Fogg left Olmec, and went on to be a successful movie director, directing such movies as "Double-Knot", "The Wedding Cake", "I Know You From Somewhere", and "Gum Under the Table." Olmec was heartbroken.

Olmec began eating small children and temple guards to numb the pain from the break-up. Because of the extreme eating, Olmec gained 800 pounds (57 stones), and had to go in for gastric bypass surgery (how does that even work?).

I am proud to announce that Olmec is now healthy and with a new man, Phil Moore, former host of Nick Arcade. Olmec must have really loved the 90s, too.

All accounts of events are entirely false and used for entertainment purposes, so don't sue. Seriously, don't sue. What's this? A subpoena? Come on, man, I said don't sue. Fuck. Now I've got to get a lawyer.

Uh Oh...It's "That Guy"

OK, let's face it. Everywhere you go, "that guy" will be there. You know, that guy that walks into the party, library, office, etc. and your first thought is, "Shit. That guy's here?"

"That Guy" can take on many different forms. He's like a ninja, but like a ninja that nobody wants around. So he's not really like a ninja at all. Everyone likes ninjas. Except "That Guy." He likes zombies. What a douche.

The world needs to be aware of "That Guy," all the forms he can take, and what to do when cornered by "That Guy." He's everywhere, and seems to know where you are, too. He's like Santa Claus, but without all the presents and unnatural love of children and cookies. Santa's kind of creepy now that I think about it. Anyway, back to "That Guy."

"That Guy" Number 1: In Pictures

This form of "That Guy," the guy in the background of your photos, happens all the time. It's like finding a coupon in your jacket pocket, and then realizing it expired a week ago. While devastating to those taking the photographs, "That Guy" finds the photos hilarious, and treats it as a badge or pride. It's not easy slipping in the shocker or some kind of inappropriate gesture behind a group of girls that have spent all night getting pretty, and are ready to take photos. So I guess "That Guy" is kind of like a ninja.

So when "That Guy" ruins your pictures, it's best to laugh about the situation ("Crafty devil got me") and move on. Don't get too caught up with trying to catch him, because he has already ruined your next roll of photos. And you haven't even taken them yet. (How does he do it?)

"That Guy" Number 2: Inappropriate Laughter

So you're sitting around your living room, right? And this show comes on that deals with some serious shit, and you're getting really into it, you know. It's like all of a sudden, your TV is spewing out crack and you can't stop. So you're into this show, and all of a sudden, there he goes. "That Guy" has just laughed at something, and ruined the emotion of the show. Or worse still, he has just made a joke about (insert disease, social issue, cause, political topic, etc.)

So you hate "That Guy" now, because he just ruined that special moment you were sharing with your couch and a bag of Fritos. What do you do now? You've got limited options. It's like standing on a burning bridge. You can jump (strangle the guy), try to run back to the other side (strangle the guy), or you can fall and hope for the best (cry). None of these options are really viable, so it's best to ignore him. "That Guy" hates to be ignored.

"That Guy" Number 3: Movie Guy

OK, this form of "That Guy" has two parts, and they differ in scales of douchey-ness. The first is "That Guy" that watches a lot of movies, so therefore feels entitled to give his opinions on every movie you want to watch, and tell you how crappy they all are. He's seen over 1,000 movies, so he's an expert, you know. God, he's lonely.

The second form of "That Guy" is the one that ruins movies by revealing the big plot twist (you know, the major fucking turning point) before you've made it that far. "Isn't it crazy when that dude kills the main guy?"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! WHAT IS "THAT GUY" THINKING?

This could be the worst form of "That Guy" to date, because unfortunately, there is no cure. You'll just have to hope he doesn't do it for every movie you see. (Is Rocky gonna win?)

"That Guy" Number 4: "The Smell"

Now, as much as you want to deny it, you know that you have experienced this form of "That Guy." You are in some kind of situation where it's just you and him, and he decides that it is an appropriate time to let one loose - you know, let out some gas. But you can't hear it. "That Guy" has just let out a stink bomb that hasn't seen the light of day since WWII, when the British used their foul breath to fight the Germans.

Now rather than fessing up to the new unwelcomed aroma, "That Guy" decides to pretend like nothing happened. And you know he can smell it, because you're about to pass out. What's even worse is now you're put into an awkward situation. You can tell the guy that you don't appreciate his stench, but what if he can't help it? You can ignore it, and pretend like it's not there (It seems to be working for him, right?), or you can leave the room as soon as fucking possible. The latter is your best option. Run for the hills, and never speak of this again.

"That Guy" Number 5: The Noisy Guy

This guy is loud when he should be quiet. He's loud when it's perfectly fine to talk. He's even louder than everyone at the football game. At the library, when you're trying to study, he's loud. At the movie theater, when you're watching a movie, he's loud. Even when this dude's sleeping in class, he's loud. (Why can't he breathe softer?) 

What do you do here? Try talking to this guy directly - as loud as you can. Whatever volume his voice is checking in at, you need to be louder. Bring an airhorn. Bring a friend that has an airhorn. Bring a trombone playing tap dancer that has an airhorn. If that fails, yell rape.

"That Guy" Number 6: Cornered at a Party

This one is the worst. You're at a party, trying to have a good time when "That Guy" comes up, and wants to tell you his life story. Great, I can't wait to hear about your landscaping company, your triple major in biology, chemistry, and accounting, and your future book deals. In most situations, you can walk away, but let's assume you're stuck. "That Guy" has trapped you into a corner, and he won't stop going on and on about himself:

TG: "So, after I'm done with school, I'm looking to get into the business world for a few years, and then travel, and maybe even write a book about my travels."

You: "Uh huh."

TG:  "I love traveling. Last summer I went to Spain. Have you ever been to Spain? You should go. It's AMAAAAAZING.

You:  "Where's Katie?"

TG: "I was there for the running of the bulls. It was a blast. Have you ever seen it?"

You:  "No. I need to find Katie. Katie? KATIE?!?"

TG:  "One guy fell and almost got trampled to death. It was an eye-opening experience."

You:  "Yeah, whatever. Jim! Greg! Hey guys, what are you doing over there? (Fuck, they can't hear me.)

TG:  "So anyway, back to my book idea. I'm going to write a book and get it on Oprah's book club, because that's how you make the money."

You:  "I want to die."

As you can tell, this guy can put a damper on any sort of entertainment you might have for the evening - until you can tell your friends about it later. Try to pawn this guy off on someone else and move on. Maybe spread a rumor at the party that he has herpes. Nobody wants that shit around.

Experiencing situations involving any form of "That Guy" is a necessary evil in life. Who knows, "That Guy" could someday be your boss, friend, or even spouse. (Why do you think 50% of marriages end in divorce? Answer: "That Guy.")

IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS BEEN AFFECTED BY "THAT GUY" OR HAS ANY MORE INFORMATION REGARDING ANY FORM OF "THAT GUY", PLEASE COMMENT TO HELP PROTECT ALL THOSE OUT THERE!

Phreedom Phrom Fones

Today, as I was heading out to go about my daily activites, I realized that I left my cell phone at home. It wasn't a big deal to me, anyway. No one ever calls me except my girlfriend, and I wouldn't be without it for long. But, surprisingly the time away from the cell phone felt like time away from reality, and that disconnect from the world felt good.

As I'm walking down the street, I don't feel that extra weight in my pocket, which can feel like the weight of the world when you're waiting for an important call, or if it never stops going off. Letting go of the 5 ounces in my pocket allowed me to let go of all my worries for the day. It actually had the exact opposite result I was expecting. Read carefully, because this formula can get pretty tricky for some.

No cell phone = no interruptions.

No interruptions = no worries.

No worries = just living in the moment.

My brother always used to tell me that his motto for life was, "Live for today." I always thought I knew what it meant, but until you actually have real stress and real responsibility in your life, it only means so much. Living for today means that you are able to work hard for tomorrow without the stress of thinking about it. Living for today means you are able to clear your mind of all the other things in your life and just focus on what's going on - living.

Life is like a multivitamin. It needs to be taken one day at a time. (bad analogy alert) If everyone would just take time to slow down every day and look at their life, they might find out that's it's not all that bad. Take 20 minutes out of your day to get comfortable, breathe, and forget about everything else. Focus on living: the feel of a blanket on your shoulders, the way your lungs move in and out as you breathe, or the way your toes feel in your socks. Anything that makes you remember you're living, and takes your mind off of life for a moment, is good.

Imagine living without your cell phone for a week. Do you think you could do it? How about a day? Try leaving it behind for a few hours or a day, and see how it makes you feel. You'll forget about the world, and be able to focus on your world.

Live it up, people. Lose the cell phone.

Code of Umbrella Etiquette

As I drudge through most days, sometimes the only thing that gets me through it all is to think. Although that might sound academic, my thoughts typically tend to get exhausted on a myriad of different topics, skewing more toward the random and philosophical side. One question continues to pop back up in my head from time to time and it's time to address it.

What's the etiquette for carrying an umbrella in a busy area?

To better demonstrate the question, let me pose a scenario. You are walking west on a sidewalk holding onto your umbrella, and doing your best not to bumb anyone near you with the pool of water surely sitting at the top. Now all of a sudden, you see another umbrella in the distance coming toward you. Let's assume this person is approximately the same dimensions (height, weight, etc.) as you. The question now becomes, "Is it my responsibility to raise or lower the height of my umbrella?"

No one truly knows the answer because there has never been an established "code of umbrella etiquette." And why hasn't there? I feel it is something that is long overdue, and I feel personally responsible for coming up with a prototype. Feel free to edit my thoughts on this one.

Rule #1: Offer to lower yours early, before the other person does. This way you can avoid getting bumped by an incoming umbrella and getting wet, as you hold yours up in the air. It's shows the other person you care to not bump into them, and it protects you in the case of an incident.

Rule #2: Raise yours slightly if an approaching umbrella lowers. This shows you get the message, and says you are willing to comply.

*Rules 1 and 2 apply only if the approaching umbrella is approximately the same height as yours, and a bump of the two is inevitable.

Rule #3: Don't intentionally bump someone, or even worse, don't ignore the upcoming sitaution and allow a bump to occur. This is pretty much common sense, but if it's not included, many people will break this rule.

Rule #4: Avoid spinning your umbrella when it's still wet. Sure, umbrella spinning is one of the great pastimes of American life, but when a wet umbrella is spun, it causes a spinning spiral of hydro death to all those nearby.

Rule #5: If your umbrella folds inside out in the wind, don't act like it didn't happen. Laugh. Everyone around you saw it anyway. These things happen, but so many times I see people try to play it off like nothing happened. It's funny, so laugh.

Rule #6: Don't create a wait at the door of a building because we have to wait for you to fold your umbrella back together. Either move to the side of do it inside. Lightning will not strike you dead if you open an umbrella inside.

Rule #7: If you don't have an umbrella, have fun in the rain. The rain can be very therapeutic and if you're too worried about getting wet, you shouldn't have worn that suede jacket outside anyway.

With these rules in place, awkward and confusing situations regarding umbrella usage could be eliminated and people would be much happier for it. Once implemented and acted upon, rainy days could soon be the fun days of the week.

The 5 Best Cars to Own in College

Besides the parties, friends, and mass amount of co-ed sexual frustration rampant among campus, there is really only one important thing about college: the car you cruise around in. Don't get me wrong, driving is not a necessity, but having a car bumps you up into the next bracket of coolness and sexual attractivity. And the best thing about owning a car in college is that you can get away with owning a car that only poor people or the elderly would own outside of school. To help out those out there in college, and especially those that have a few hundred to spend on a car, I've compiled a list of the top 5 cars to own in college.

5. Oldmobile Cutlass

This car is as cool as you

 remember it when you were 

8 and your grandpa dropped you off at school in between smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day and sipping on whiskey. The car screams, "I'm down to party! (in between seeing my eye doctor and buying fiber). This car is perfect to the college student because of image. Nobody wants to fuck with the guy who rolls up in this - because he probably doesn't have any money. To make the image complete, make sure to wear plaid. Lots of plaid.

4. Ford Pickup Truck

What better way to get attention on campus and let everyone know you're there than to rev up your engine and floor it as you burn $40 dollars worth of gas? You don't care though, cuz this bad boy makes everyone else outside breathe in whatever toxic fumes you spit out as you drive away from that cute girl you're too nervous to talk to as fast as you can? Bonus points: Put nuts on the back trailer hitch - it's hilarious.

3. Toyota Prius

This car is for the environmentally conscious college student who cares deeply about their carbon footprint on the globe and the impact they have on preserving the planet. And has money. If you're driving this, you are not a college student, and chances are you are either: (a) an employee of the university using that as your work car to get the college's "green image" up in the eyes of the media or (b) a douche. Watch out for excess smug with this one.

2. Volkswagen Beetle

By driving this car, you're telling the world, you're a person that is simple, yet into the trendy things in life. This car is small and therefore one of the easiest to park, but by driving this you are required to never park it correctly. This car represents peace, and by driving it you tell everyone you stand for peace as well. Or that you work for Red Bull. Or Geek Squad.

  1. Dodge Stratus

Now, I know what you're thinking? A Dodge Stratus? What the fuck? Well, if you're asking that, then you've obviously never taken a road trip in one of these slick ass mother fuckers. This car has a stylish body and roomy back seat, not to mention the fact that you look like a normal college student driving this thing. This car says that you probably inherited this car from your uncle for 100 bucks, but that you're not going to drive it forever. Plus it teaches you how to take care of a car, since you'll probably actually take care of it. And you can always quote Will Ferrell when you say, "I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!"

If your car wasn't mentioned on the list, it doesn't mean that it's not worthy of being a "college driven car," it just means that you are not in college. You'll probably need to check your class status. And remember, all problems can be solved with a Stratus.