Oh, Sarah Palin's at It Again...and so is Letterman

OK, so in case you haven’t seen it, here’s the recap. David Letterman made a joke about Sarah Palin’s trip to New York last week, and said that she was going to Bloomingdale’s to get a “slutty flight-attendant” outfit. Palin was upset, but that didn’t stop “ol’ Dave.” He went on to make a joke about her daughter being “knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”

The question on everyone’s mind this week is: Has David Letterman gone too far?

Obviously the criticism is there about the uncertainty of whether he was talking about Governor Palin’s 18-year-old daughter (the unwed mother of one) or her 14-year-old daughter.

  This is a case of taste. Letterman did not specify which daughter he was referring to when he made the joke, so the case could be made he was implying that Sarah Palin’s 14-year-old daughter could have been “knocked up” by Alex Rodriguez during the family’s recent trip to Yankee Stadium.

Hardly.

  It’s pretty obvious that Letterman was referring to Palin’s 18-year-old daughter; the one that you could say has been “knocked up.” She has a child with a man who she is not married to, and who, last time I checked, is set to make less than $28 million this year. In fact, he’s just a dude who wants to smoke pot and play hockey.

  Let’s face it. Letterman crossed the line with his joke. He shouldn’t assume that any governor’s daughter is going to get impregnated by a professional athlete. It doesn’t help that the governor he’s trying to poke fun at has a 14-year-old daughter as well.

  Moving forward, would it really be that bad if Bristol (the 18-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin) were to get “knocked up” by Alex Rodriguez? Think about it. A-Rod has been trying to clean up his public image ever since coming out about his steroid usage, and what better way to do that than to be a loving father to a child and marry the woman who is going to bear his child for 9 months?

  Besides that, A-Rod is banking $28 million a year, so obviously some of that money is going to the Palin family, which means, hello, funding for the Palin for President 2012 campaign. Yes, that is a very scary thought, but it could happen.

  That is, if Alex Rodriguez “knocked up” Palin’s daughter.

  All joking aside, the joke Letterman made was in bad taste, and Letterman should have known better than to take low blows like this on political figures. Except for the fact that, well, Letterman is known for taking low blows on political figures.

  Remember President Bush’s words of wisdom? Or a quote from President Bush? Or even more recently, the Sarah Palin Debate Recap, where Letterman cuts footage and puts it together to make it appear as though Palin said something profoundly ridiculous? Hard to do, I know, but he’s been ridiculing politicians for years. That’s what he does.

  For the media to give the Palin joke as much media attention as it did shows that they have nothing else to talk about. Palin said it best when she said, “Slow news day, evidently.”

  And a slow news day it must have been. Luckily though, Letterman has since apologized, and Palin has forgiven him. What Palin should really be thinking about are more important things, like running the state of Alaska, taking care of her family, and uh, maybe meeting Alex Rodriguez.

  Hey, money talks people. Just think about it. A-Rod is doing pretty well, and Bristol (not to mention the Republican Party) could be doing better. What better way to rally the troops than to bring A-Rod on board? Just something to think about.

  In the meantime, watch Ball State Alum David Letterman do his thing at night, and don’t take his jokes too seriously. They’re called jokes for a reason.

Presidential Cell Phone Questions

On Monday, President Obama promised economic relief this summer by feeding federal money into hundreds of public works, in hopes to create or save 600,000 jobs by the end of the summer.

Well I’m here to announce that we have our first real taste of relief – but it’s not from the government.

Apple announced Monday that it was lowering the price of the 8GB iPhone 3G to $99, countering critics of the company for having too high of prices, and encouraging more consumers to buy the phone.

Yes! Now we can all buy iPhones!

But wait. The President is a busy man, and keeping in constant contact with his cabinet members has got to be an important aspect of the job. So, maybe he should get an iPhone.

After being elected President of the United States, Obama had to give up his Blackberry, but after a struggle with the Secret Service, he was granted his device back – installed of course with software from the U.S. Government to keep him safe.

But what kind of Blackberry “butt-dials” as the commercial calls it, does he make with that?

Is he calling his mother-in-law during briefings on Iraq and Afghanistan? That would make interesting dinner conversation.

“Barack, how’d your meetings go today?”

“Everything went fine. No major concerns to worry about, so we’re all feeling pretty good.”

“That’s not what Gates told you. Michelle, did you know that Al Qaeda is stronger than ever, and your husband wants to go to Afghanistan? You know, you really need to listen to that Defense Secretary of yours. He’s such a nice man.”

“Well, there’s a lot of talk back and forth going on.”

“Look, Barack. I care too much about my granddaughters to take this lightly. Are you taking this seriously?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. Now take your elbows off the table. It’s rude.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I hope the government-issued software comes with a butt-dial proof application. We don’t need a stressed-out President. His mother-in-law already lives with him. Let’s not make it worse.

That’s why Obama should buy an iPhone. He knows his way around iTunes, having done his own podcast as a Senator. He could even have applications made specifically for him.

Foreign Policy Concerns? Ask the “Culture Vulture” application. This app could tell him exactly what are the important cultural nuisances in each country he’ll soon be visiting.

Don’t know what to make for dinner? Use the “o-BAM-a” application featuring Emeril where he goes step by step on how to cook Obama’s favorite recipes, all while staying incredibly annoying.

VP got his foot in his mouth again? Use the “Biden Foot Retriever” app. Just put the iPhone in the Vice President’s mouth to jar the foot loose, and then type in what he said that got his foot in there in the first place. The app will then produce better ways to say the same thing.

The possibilities are endless.

Imagine all the AT&T executives salivating at the possibility of Obama buying an iPhone. They could make millions.

“Obama uses it, and yes, you can too!”

“Together with President Obama, Yes We Can…get the best possible coverage worldwide through our AT&T service.

“AT&T can. Verizon McCain’t.”

OK, maybe I don’t want him to buy an iPhone. I don’t think I could handle the campaign reminiscent, cliché ridden commercials that would surely follow.

Do you think Obama would get be forced to pay roaming charges for making calls to Ahmadinejad in Iran or Castro in Cuba about peace talks? And how would AT&T explain the charges to the public?

“AT&T loves peace and prosperity, but the dude’s calling all over the place. We can’t keep up with that. I mean, come on.”

The President’s cell phone isn’t really a topic you’ll see in the news media, because, well, it’s not important. The news media only covers topics of actual concern and has much more important things to report.

Like Britney Spears.

June is "National Month" Month

Now that June is right around the corner, it’s time to prepare for another round of causes and activities that are deserving of our attention for the month. Luckily, June is full of all kinds of “national months” to fit any interests and desires, so gear up, put on your ribbons and bracelets, and get ready for June.

June is full of important activities and causes including, but not limited to: Audio book Month, National Dairy Month, National Seafood Month, National Candy Month, National Don’t Eat Cheese After Noon Month, and National Damon Appreciation Month. I’m not making this stuff up.

So it’s important to drink milk and eat cheese, as long as it’s not after noon. It’s important to eat fish, but only if candy is for dessert. I can only be nice to my friend Damon for so long, and there’s only so many times a human can watch Good Will Hunting and the Bourne trilogy, so appreciating Damon could be tricky.

If every cause that’s given a “national month” were actually deserving of a whole month, it wouldn’t need it. People would already be aware of it. The idea of a month for a cause, activity or event is to bring a national awareness to something special every year. Creating a month for simple causes takes away from that.

What does that say to the causes that are truly deserving of a whole month? Did you know that it’s gay pride month in June, too? Probably not, because since it’s National Soul Food Month and National Iced Tea Month, people are too busy eating.

And what does it say to the monthly causes that are stuck in February? They’re not worthy enough of 30 days? Two of the most important movements in American history have been banished to the shortest month of the year – Black History Month, and Women’s History Month.

Because June is so full of “national months” already, I feel as though it’s an inviting time to start up a new one. I propose that from 2009 and on, June shall be known as National Create a National Month Month.

By participating in National Create a National Month Month, people are given an opportunity to take a cause that they truly believe in, and make it well known to everyone. Love grapes? National Eat a Grape Month is born. Care about the ocean? National Take Care of Your Oceans Month. See how fun and easy it is?

The idea of having a national month for something seems fun and acts as an interesting way to get the name out on certain causes, but all it really does is take away the true meaning of serious causes that need to be looked at more regularly.

I suggest limiting each month to one cause, and those causes should be voted on in a style similar to – as much as I hate to admit it – American Idol. Something needs to be done to stop national months from taking over, so rise up, stand strong, and say your goodbyes, because we are at war.

And pack your candy and cheese. Just don’t eat it after noon.

Awkward Situations in Everyday Life

Child birth. Your first car. Your wedding, and ultimately your divorce. Life is full of experiences that affect and change our outlook on the world. While most life-changing events are positive and memorable, many events we encounter on a daily basis have the potential to affect us in another way - by making us feel incredibly uncomfortable. These awkward situations can leave a lasting impact on our psyche and make the little things in life feel much bigger. It's about time we looked at these things, and figured out a solution to moving on after experiencing one of these "unfortunate" circumstances.

"The Stranger"

The Stranger is a common mistake for most people. The Stranger looks like someone you know from a distance, and as you're mid-way into your greeting, you realize it's not who you thought it was, but by then, it's too late. You've just committed to The Stranger. The Stranger has varying degrees, depending on the severity of awkwardness. The chart below helps to illustrate this fact.

Code Blue Waving to The Stranger from a distance

Code Green Waving/Saying Hello to The Stranger at a close distance

Code Yellow Yelling your friend's name at The Stranger

Code Orange Inside joke to The Stranger

Code Red Face-to-face contact in a personal setting

So how do you move on after encountering The Stranger? It's best to diffuse the awkwardness by explaining the situation to The Stranger, and introducing yourself. This is an easy way to find out The Stranger's identity, so you can plot your revenge - or add them on Facebook, and become acquaintances.

Awkward Bathroom Situations

The bathroom is a very personal area, which allows the opportunity for many awkward situations to arise. Extreme caution must be used when dealing with public restrooms; however, some situations cannot be stopped.

1. The Urinal Buffer Zone Violation

Guys know and understand that adequate space must be given when using urinals. It's an unwritten code that all guys follow to protect privacy and comfort. When using a urinal, a minimum space of 1 urinal must be given to another user, unless it is unavoidable. If adequate space is not available, then stalls must be used. It is acceptable to use a neighboring urinal if these options are exhausted. There are only a few other situations that make a guy feel more uncomfortable than when a stranger parks up right next to you in the bathroom, while your boy is out there in the public eye. There is really no way to come back from this situation. It's best to get out as soon as you can (consider washing your hands in another restroom) and wipe the incident from your memory.

2. The Talker

Every guy also knows that it is inappropriate to have a conversation mid-stream standing at the urinal. No matter how comfortable you are with the person, the fact still remains: both parties have contact with their members while talking to another man. This might sound homophobic, but the fact still remains - it's awkward. End any chance of a continuing conversation by ignoring comments made by The Talker, and like the buffer zone violation, get out as soon as you can. If The Talker is a friend of yours, continue the conversation after you both have finished.

3. The Mystery Pube

I don't know if you ladies experience this one at all, but why is it every time you go to use a public toilet, there is one conspicuous pubic hair resting on the top of the rim? Who is pulling out their pubes when they are using the restroom? I won't speak for everyone, but when I'm using a public restroom, I get in, do my business, and get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. Mystery Pubes are always awkward, but they always seem to merit a chuckle.

The Walking Shuffle

The Walking Shuffle is that moment that I guarantee everyone has experienced at least once in the last 30 days. It's when you're walking the opposite direction as another passerby, and you try to get out of the way as the person moves the same direction as you at the exact time. Then, you both instinctively try to move the other way at the exact same time the other does, which puts you and the other person into this "shuffle" to get by. Don't be fooled by the title, however, the shuffle can happen between two bikes, a walker and a bike, a walker and a car, a bike and a car, and so forth. This is really a common awkward moment, so don't feel too bad when it happens to you.

When it comes down to it, life is full of awkward moments that are unavoidable. It's best to move on, and maybe start a blog explaining all the different kinds. It's worked for me so far, because I can say all kinds of random things without the worry of an awkward moment that could arise saying these things in person.

Where are they now? (90s edition)

I'm still trying to live in the 90s. That's why every Saturday morning, I put on my favorite Marky Mark album, open up a Crystal Pepsi, and wait in excitement as I put in a tape of game 6 of the Bulls and Jazz (I wanna be like Mike).

While living in my 90s fantasy, I tend to wonder, whatever happened to these great people from not too long ago? Well, after a little research (and guessing), I have come up with the answers, in a segment new to the basket called, "Where are they now?"

Kel Mitchell

Kel Mitchell, entertainer better known as Kel from Kenan and Kel, was the co-star of 1997's Good Burger with partner-in-crime, Kenan Thompson. Although Kel was funnier, a better entertainer, dreamier, better at basketball, could juggle fire, had better pick-up lines, and could play banjo, Kenan (lame-wad) somehow became more successful.

So where's Kel? After Kenan and Kel ended its run on TV, Kel fell into a deep orange soda binge that nearly took over his life (who loves orange soda?). His addiction tore apart his family, ruined his career, and landed him a stay at the Betty Ford Center to try to kick the habit.

Clean and sober with a renewed sense of purpose, Kel set off to make a name for himself. He tried broadway, but the musical version of Good Burger didn't yield the same success as the movie. After his broadway failure, Kel tried his hand at the restaurant business. Soon after opening his own restaurant, Good Burger, he realized that he never actually knew what was in the secret sauce, and ultimately, the restaurant failed.

Kel realized it was impossible to become famous again without the help of his friend Kenan, who at the time was probably filming Fat Albert, or doing something else incredibly lame. That's when Kel got into the immigrant smuggling business, and has actually been quite successful. I am proud to report that Kel is successfully importing 150 Canadians into the country daily (and 4,000 pounds of Canadian bacon).

Dave Coulier

You may remember Dave Coulier better as Uncle Joey on the television show Full House. He was always wacky, funny, single, and uncomfortably awkward to watch in episodes when he got mad. He also had a weird thing with children (better stop there, or dare i say, cut it out?)

So where's Dave now? During the filming of Full House, Dave realized he had a real talent with puppets (if that's really a talent). He took his show on the road, and played with his beaver every night (sorry, it was too easy). People hated it, but he didn't understand why. I mean, he really got into the head of the beaver (both figuratively and literally). He was adding new depth to puppetry. He was going to change the world of puppets and set a new gold standard for puppeteers everywhere.

So what happened? While studying beavers for this role, he joined a community of beavers in Washington, so he could observe their habits. But to his surprise, he was so enthralled by the beaver lifestyle that he decided from that moment on, he was going to live with the beavers.

Dave Coulier has yet to return to life in human society, appearing only once: to watch the Roast of Bob Saget. God Speed, Dave Coulier.

Will Smith

Will Smith was the man of the 90s. He was the star of Fresh Prince, Independence Day, and Men in Black, all major successes. Unfortunately for him, success has not followed in the new millennium.

Will Smith tried his hand at broadway, playing the role of Dexter Reed (formerly played by Kenan Thompson) in Good Burger: The Musical. He released an album that same year, entitled, "Jaged Little Will." Both were huge failures.

Will then tried out for the NBA, and was given a roster spot on the Memphis Grizzlies. But then he tried to rap about it on his next album, "Grizzly Willy", was released from the team, and moved to Ohio.

For someone with so much promise, success is measured on a different scale. Will Smith became very successful in his field of work, and if you stop off at Bob Grayburn's Hyundai Nissan just off U.S. 24 in Rockburn, you'll find Will Smith's picture on a plaque labeled, "Employee of the Month, July 2004." That's what I call Big Willy Style.

Al Gore

Vice President under the Clinton Administration, Al Gore ran for President in 2000, and won by a narrow margin in Florida and a Supreme Court decision declaring him the winner in Bush v. Gore.

While in office, Gore invented the Smart Car, Twitter, trees, the notebook computer, Steve Jobs, and basketball. He established peace in the Middle East, and created world peace with the World Peace Treaty, signed by every single person in the world, all in his first week.

Gore did not finish his first term unfortunately. He resigned his position, because he needed to rid the world of rain to replace it with gumdrops. The dude's good. 

After stepping down, his Vice President Joseph Lieberman became President, and in his first act of duty, he switched parties and appointed George W. Bush as Vice President. Lieberman was then tragically killed in a canoeing accident, thus leaving George W. Bush as the President of the United States.

Al Gore is currently climbing Mt. Everest, all while curing AIDS, ending poverty, and cloning himself to be used in generations to come. Gore became a true American success story and hero.

Olmec

You might remember Olmec as the temple master in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Well, during the show's taping, Olmec had begun to have a romantic relationship with host, Kirk Fogg. Embarrassed by the potential backlash, Fogg and Olmec kept their relationship hidden, and made love only when the cameras were off (how does that even work?).

After the show's cancellation, Fogg left Olmec, and went on to be a successful movie director, directing such movies as "Double-Knot", "The Wedding Cake", "I Know You From Somewhere", and "Gum Under the Table." Olmec was heartbroken.

Olmec began eating small children and temple guards to numb the pain from the break-up. Because of the extreme eating, Olmec gained 800 pounds (57 stones), and had to go in for gastric bypass surgery (how does that even work?).

I am proud to announce that Olmec is now healthy and with a new man, Phil Moore, former host of Nick Arcade. Olmec must have really loved the 90s, too.

All accounts of events are entirely false and used for entertainment purposes, so don't sue. Seriously, don't sue. What's this? A subpoena? Come on, man, I said don't sue. Fuck. Now I've got to get a lawyer.